Delusions of Grandeur

Delusions of Grandeur*

That is what many of my generation have been inflated with.  We are so certain that budding up inside of us is the next big thing, whether that may be a movie star, musician, athlete, gamer, or celebrity blogger.  That is the hallmark of millennials.  That groundless optimism that things could be different/better where we are concerned.  I do not entirely share in that optimism, but I do dream. I dream with great detail on how my life could be in that alternate reality where I am somebody famous. I imagine myself as an Oscar award-winning actress, a pioneering rock star, an advocate for young people battling Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, a New York Times best-selling author, a designer of high-end vintage style clothing for tall and plus-sized women, and a strong social influencer with my own YouTube channel.

However, when I was in middle school, I remember my mother dumping the cold ice bucket of reality over my head.  She told me that in the real world, my chances of being discovered were extremely slim.  The dream job in question, the one that I actually had the vagina (since balls are totally weak) to vocally talk about was to be a writer. I had enjoyed writing short stories for class projects since I could remember, usually about two princesses, and my teachers had always told me that my stories were good and encouraged me to continue with my writing.  

Since I was nearing high school, my mom probably figured that I needed to end the daydreaming to focus on a more reachable career goal.  She told me about an acquaintance of ours who had gone to college for writing.  It was his hope to become a screenwriter for the old TV show M*A*S*H.**  She had seen some of the screenplays he had written and submitted to the show.  Every single one of them was rejected.***  She told me that millions of writers submitted their works to publishers every day, and it would be a huge miracle if mine was even picked up from under the massive pile and glanced at.

That millennial optimism was severely wounded. I no longer held any real belief that my "genius" would be discovered in some chance encounter a la “A Star is Born.”  I went to college for a stereotypically female occupation that I didn’t really want to do, as my mommy dearest suggested, and blacked out in my spare time with these fantasies of making it big, my delusions of grandeur.  The stories never stopped forcing their way into my head, most of them without the two princesses.  

       I actually wrote one of them down and it turned into a 100,000 word novel. I found the nerve to send a sample of my masterpiece to one literary agent.  My rejection email looked like an automated response.  How do any new authors break through the cracks? I filed all of the new stories in my head, planning to write them later…whenever later happens.

       Finally, jonesing with the need to write, I decided to write a blog.  Yeah, I’m probably just ranting ad nauseum to myself, but at least my words are out there and free to roam the ether.  Is anyone out there?  If not, that is okay.  I expected no more.  If there is someone out there listening/reading, thank you.  I love you.****  I love the world and everyone in it.***** You are not alone, and now, neither am I.

*Yes, I stole that from Star Wars.  Please don’t sue me Disney, as I have no money to give.  Just a mountain of debt from college and credit cards.

**I thought that it was a dumb old show anyway, since there was no way middle school me could ever comprehend such a plot.  As of this posting, I still haven't revisited the old show, but I did go to eat at Tony Packo's once!  The hot dogs are the best I've ever had, and they are made from Hungarian sausages cut in half.  So I guess it's not actually a hot dog after all, but damn are they tasty!

***The last I heard, this acquaintance was selling furniture and doing Civil War reenactments.  (So, is that where all the unpublished authors go?)  Here's hoping he has gone on to find great joy in his life!

****Okay, I kind of stole that from “V for Vendetta.”  Have you seen that movie?  If not you totally should.  It is amazing!  I totally got a crush on Hugo Weaving as a severe burn victim who never takes off that Guy Fawkes mask.  Mystery and vengeful murder is totally hot, don't you think?

*****That’s original, I innocently & consistently said it on camera in home movies from the time I was 3 years old right up until I began kindergarten.