OLC #5: Dear Daniel Day-Lewis

Open Letter to Celebrities #5: 

                                                                                   *

Dear Daniel Day-Lewis,

Hi there!  How are you enjoying retirement?  Boy I hope my generation gets to retire.  Anyway, there was something I wanted to talk to you about regarding your career.  I cannot deny that you are indeed a great actor, but I must say that I do avoid your films as they tend to be wholly depressing and/or they suffer from a need of, what the late great Elvis Presley might say, “a little less conversation, a little more action.”  A work friend of mine pointed this out to me, and I realized that it was true and that I never did enjoy any of your movies.  Personally, I have experienced enough tragedy in my own life that I tend to seek out more reasons to smile and laugh than reasons to cry.  Consider this quote from the Woody Allen** movie Melinda and Melinda:

“…It’s exactly because tragedy hits on the truly painful essence of life that people run to my comedies for escape.”

To me, that says it all.  And so, it is with this in mind that I would like you to consider coming out of retirement for one final movie.  A movie that shows Daniel Day Lewis likes to keep his own life on the sunny side.  I would call this movie, “Daniel’s Day as Lewis.”

In this movie, your character (who happens to also be you) just finishes wrapping up a seriously sad movie.  He is much relieved to be done with drama, and just wants to cut loose and have fun for a while.  Meanwhile, his dearest friend Jim Carrey is feeling down.  Jim wants to quit comedy forever and focus on drama so that he can finally be taken seriously as an actor, just like Tom Hanks did.  Daniel, who is inspired by his great love of old Martin & Lewis movies, attempts to take Jim out for the day to cheer him up.  On this day, Jim can be the more serious Martin character while Daniel gets to be the silly, easy-going Lewis character.  They find trouble on their adventure and nearly get arrested by the police for attempting to make the Hollywood sign read as something quite lewd, but Daniel is able to use his finely tuned acting ability to get them out of it and Jim smooths things over with a goofy impression.  Through Daniel’s zany antics and his playful relationship with his family, he inspires Jim to embrace life’s funny moments and look for the joy he can share with others. Jim also finds himself a happy medium of comedy and drama by modeling his career after the beloved Robin Williams.  Through Jim’s comedy connections, Daniel is finally able to fulfill his long-held dream of becoming a host on Saturday Night Live as his family cheers him on in the audience.  And of course, since he isDaniel Day-Lewis, he manages to win lots of awards for doing so.  The End.

This is the kind of movie that your repertoire is missing: a nice, light-hearted, feel-good comedy.  Something that shows the world that Daniel Day Lewis knows how to laugh and have a good time.

No?  Not feeling it?  Damn, that really sounded like a movie that I would like to see.  Maybe I’ll act out the whole thing myself with Barbie dolls and post it on YouTube.

Wishing you and yours the very best,

       

Jupiter Sixx

*I added a paper clown nose with adhesive putty to my laptop screen.  I couldn't find an appropriate stock photo to go with the post, so I did this.  I hope IMDB doesn't decide to sue me and add to my mountain of debt.  But see?  A funny Daniel Day-Lewis even get's the attention of a house pet!

**I have never really liked Woody Allen movies either, because much like your own movies there is too much talking and not enough things happening.  Fuck Annie Hall, seriously.  What a snooze-fest!  Plus, I’ve always found Woody Allen to be kind of creepy.  I wonder if he stars in many of his own movies just so he can grope at the pretty actresses?  That would be gross.  I hope it's not true.